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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother,she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

The difference between ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was ‘involved’ – the pig was ‘committed’.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents.

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

But at my back I always hear Time’s winged chariot hurrying near.

Don’t sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure—that is all that agnosticism means.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

The chain reaction of evil—wars producing more wars—must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

I’d stop eating chocolate, but I’m no quitter.

Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Oh for pity’s sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn’t get bigger or heavier.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

If it wasn’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

If it wasn’t for muscle spasms, I wouldn’t get any exercise at all.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: ‘His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.

I Can’t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don’t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official…

A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

I’m trying to see things from your point of view but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he’ll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we’d have a much easier time raising money.

If quantum physics doesn’t confuse you then you don’t understand it.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I’ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I’ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.

A pint of sweat,saves a gallon of blood.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

I Can’t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don’t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear – kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor – with the cry of grave national emergency.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney…

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d,Nor Hell a fury,like a woman scorn’d.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

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Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

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It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

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The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

But at my back I always hear Time’s winged chariot hurrying near.

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The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

I don’t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

I think ‘Hail to the Chief’ has a nice ring to it.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

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C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

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The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

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Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn’t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

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If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

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For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

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I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

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Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Many a man’s reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren’t, then I’d be a teacher.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said ‘You’ve been promoted’. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again’. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I Said ‘I careered off the road.’

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

I wouldn’t mind dying – it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.

They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.

I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I hope life isn’t a big joke … because I don’t get it.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

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It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood… War is hell.

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Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

The chain reaction of evil—wars producing more wars—must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee—that will do them in.

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The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney…

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

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All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don’t add up.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

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I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Humor is a rubber sword – it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

I’m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It’s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear – kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor – with the cry of grave national emergency.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

The company doesn’t tell me what to say, and I don’t tell themwhere to stick it.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Once you’ve written TBicycle, you never forget how.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

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Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

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In the begining there was nothing and God said ‘Let there be light’, and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

It was the experience of mystery—even if mixed with fear— that engendered religion.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit—get lost.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said ‘You’ve been promoted’. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again’. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I Said ‘I careered off the road.’

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me – and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

There is only one nature – the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I wouldn’t mind dying – it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

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A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

If quantum physics doesn’t confuse you then you don’t understand it.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Am I lightheaded because I’m not dead or because I’m still alive?

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Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

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Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Gigerenzer’s Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren’t, then I’d be a teacher.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, ‘Why god? Why me?’ and the thundering voice of God answered, ‘There’s just something about you that pisses me off.’

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love .

Many a man’s reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

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In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

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Yes, I’m fat, but you’re ugly and I can go on a diet.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

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Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney…

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

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If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

I wouldn’t mind dying – it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

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